Skip to main content

About your Search

20130201
20130228
STATION
COM 71
LANGUAGE
English 71
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)
[cheers and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. these reforms would reduce our government's bill. [laughter] what is up, camera man? come on, captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a new way donate to charity. change your name to anonymous so people think you're giving all the time. [laughter] then, i honor an unlikely hero. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17-million digit prime number. his other discovery: he's very lonely. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. i especially -- i especiall
join us next week at 1:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> you may be paying for snapper and getting at that lapa instead. a staggering new report shows fish fraud is off the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully
and gentlemen, thank you for joining us. phone lines are open. [ laughter ] nation, we are just days away from super bowl sunday. and i couldn't be more pumped. it's like football christmas, if christmas were more commercialized. [ laughter ] and i love everything about football-- the sweet science, the pick and roll, from downtown, you sunk my battleship! yahtzee! [ laughter ] i'm just dying to see the san francisco-- earthquakes-- face [ laughter ] off against the baltimore, i wanna say, trashcan fires?! [ laughter ] so put on your game face, then shove nachos into that game face, because this is "the sport report!" [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] nation -- [ laughter ] -- this sunday is all about the big matchup, two titans of the game finally go head to head. i'm talking of course about axe body spray versus the e-trade baby! [ laughter ] because superbowl ads are my favorite part of the game, and this year there's an exciting new development. >> teaser ads that tease you toward the ads in the big game. this is now a brand new phenomenon and it is no joke. think of it as ads fo
.wgbh.org and applause] >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> if you want to protect yourself get a double barrel shotgun. put it and fire two blasts outside the house. i promise you who is coming in is not -- you don't need an ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers an captioning sponsored by comedy central ( cheers and applause ) [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef pr
the first celebrity suicide pool. [laughter] go to our website to give us your picks. a few rules. accidental overdoses do count. [laughter] he took a fistful of pills. he knew how that nap would end. [laughter] but reality stars do not count as celebrities. they don't count, so don't pick 'em. [laughter] and while i hope no one wins, if anyone knows mishca barton -- could you please remind her that she has nothing to live for because i could really use that $50. [laughter] and if she does kill herself, don't worry. i will use that $50 for a charity. [laughter] thank you so much for watching. make sure you watch next week when i head to adultcon to teach porn stars a thing or two about fetishes. and we also give the backyard wrestler a web redemption. >> my guys! don't worry, wrestling's fake. [laughter] and don't forget to go to our website comedycentral.com/tosh.0 to submit your inappropriate "macho man" randy savage impressions. also, follow me on twitter and check my tour dates so i can offended you in person. last episode i asked you to guess what castro and i were looking at
] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. please, nation, sit down. as an american i don't like to talk about other countries that are not us. with their crazy names -- "notamerica-stan." [laughter] but tonight, every single story i will be reporting on comes from another country. i'm not happy about it either. blame the u.n. [laughter] first up, a story that is rocking theworld of meat. >> the united kingdom's meat industry is in disarray after horse meat was discovered in products intended for humans. >> food giant nestle suspending some of its deliveries after traces of horse dna were found in the meat. >> stores in britain, france and sweden now yanking beef products off the shelves over a horse meat scare. >> burger king admits some of its patties in england and ireland were tainted with horse meat. >> stephen: someone in europe is trying to slip you their tainted meat, and for once it's not silvio burlesconi. [laughter] he has been known to yank his meat off the shelves: 4r5 h- [laughter] now, everyone in europe is worried that they may be bit
>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ do the harlem shake ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) [eagle caw] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us! [cheers and applause] folks, i have to tell you, these folks -- [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause] folks, when you do that, you make me want to shake. [cheers and applause] nation, before we begin, i want to wish everyone a happy valentine's day. [cheers and applause] i hope you're spending it with someone you love. and if you're watching my show, you are. [laughter] of course, when it comes to holidays, i'm an originalist. on christmas, it's not santa claus, it's sinterklaas. you leave out your shoes for him to fill with nuts and dried fruit, or, if you've been naughty, you're kidnapped by his moorish elfin sidekick black peter. [laughter] ho, ho, ho. [laughter] and i have the same rigorous standards for saint valentine's day. i focus on what the day's really about: not the chocolates, or the beau
the u.s. speed skating team. big deal. we sponsored a team too. but since our show has a budget of zero dollars, we couldn't afford any american teams. so for the price of a cup of coffee, we found out you can sponsor the iranian ice dancing team. death to america. good night. [cheers and applause] . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said
. did you know josef stalin used to carpool? [laughter] and my guest is oscar-winning actress julie andrews. i'll ask if the hills are still alive after all that fracking. [laughter] a math professor has discovered a new 17-million digit prime number. his other discovery: he's very lonely. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] thank you, ladies and gentlemen. thank you so much for joining us. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much. [cheers and applause] welcome to the show. i especially -- i especially want to welcome those ten men down in the dungeon serving their master. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] just get out of there, guys. [ laughter ] welcome to tonight's kinescope. thank you for joining us. nation, all of us in cable news have an obligation to bring you the latest news most relevant to your life. so let's get to the story everyone's talking about: the fall of the house of york! james, bring forth the town criers! >> the bones of england's king richard
.wgbh.org that's our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment zen. >> they weren't initially rivals. that developed later on and -- i wasn't my fight, you know. i don't know, i just think, i think the tupac's lyrics were [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a surprising candidate for congress. is it you? if you're not sure, you probably shouldn't run. [laughter] then, should america get rid of the penny? or should they leave them in america's couch cushions. [laughter] and my guest lawrence wright has written a new book on scientology. after the interview, don't forget to take our free stress test. [laughter] home depot is going to hire 80,000 new workers for the spring. you know where they can find some cheap labor? in their parking lot. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you very much. welcome to the broadcast, everybody. sit down heros. in here, out there. good to have you with us. folks, you know i'm not -- [chee
ugly! i know. i'm surprised it doesn't have mittens attached . we need more money. be sure to join us next week for our season finale when we give web redemptions to michael richards and the star wars kid. plus, brad pitt and david beckham live on this stage. lineup subject to change. >> remember to follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the show. and make sure you check out my tour schedule. go to our website to see extended interviews from our web redemptions and follow our daily blog. thanks, everybody, for making jeff dunham comedy central's #1 show. see you next week. goodnight! [clapping and cheering] [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, a surprising candidate for congress. is it you? if you're not sure, you probably shouldn't run. [laughter] then, should america get rid of the penny? or should they leave them in america's couch cushions. [laughter] and my guest lawrence wright has written a new book on scientology. after the interview, don't forget to take our free stress test. [laughter] home depot is going to hire 80,000 new workers for the spring. you know where they ca
tour. thankfully it's only in the u.s. the tosh tour 2010 starts september 24th and tickets go on sale june 17th. new dates are being added daily. all the info is on our website. and if you do come out to a show, no surprise trust falls into me. [laughter] first of all, i'm not trustworthy, and second of all, i'm very frail. see you next week. good night. [cheers & applause] . ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [eagle caw] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report. [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian
. thank you for joining us. ladies and gentlemen, i think that this world would be a much better place if i could take that kind of energy, put it in a paper bag and huff it. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] hope you had a good presidents' day weekend. i took an all-expense paid trip to crap-my-pants-istan because last friday this happened. >> a ten ton meteor racing at 33,000 miles per hour through the atmosphere streekd over a russian city 900 miles of east of moscow before exploding of blinding bright light said to have the power of an atomic bomb. >> its reminded me of action movies like-term nateor 4 this witness said. >> stephen: yes, this fireball was just like "terminator 4 " except people saw it. [laughter] [cheers and applause] folks, the earth is under attack from giant space rocks. the dinosaurs tried to warn us by being dead. [laughter] now, all weekend i was down in the bunker watching these incredible youtube clips of the meteor streaking across the sky and exploding. it's actually replaced my previous favorite video: an adorable kitten streaking across the sky and exp
>> welcome back. still getting used to casual jackets! [cheers & applause] am i the only one that's thrilled myspace is finally dead? that's why, in honor of the season premiere, i am permanently deleting my myspace page and all 42 million friends. [applause] yeah. so tila tequila and tom, if you are my real friends, you are going to have to contact me the old fashioned way. by poking me on facebook. [laughter] and as you know from last season, i'm the comedy central arm wrestling champion. i wanted to go up against lincoln hawk, but it turns out that sylvester stallone is so old and brittle, that it wouldn't even be a challenge at this age. that's why i decided to do the next best thing and arm wrestle the kid who played his son in over the top. michael hawk. >> ready? turn your hat around. set go! >> you got it, you got it. you got it! oh! [laughter] >> i'm a lot like tim tebow. i had a great run, but we all know i'm not ready for the pros. [laughter] tune in next week for our first ever web reunion with alan thicke and the crystal light dancers. 23 years they had been apart. i
interruptions. good to have you with us. folks, i'm still coming down from last night's superbowl rager. i had the whole wrecking crew over and they brought it. and by it, i mean a lovely spinach dip bread bowl, courtesy of lou dawg. [ laughter ] woof woof! the dog is loose! the dog is in the house! and wants his serving tray back at some point! [ laughter ] it was a superbowl for the ages. a photo finish, squeaker at the buzzer, aaaaand who won? who won? the ravens. the ravens won. [ laughter ] good, good. perfect. [ applause ] sounds great. bonus! now ray lewis has as many superbowl rings as murder indictments. [ laughter ] evens it out. but of course, the real winners were american consumers, because the ads killed it this year. they had it all: a doritos-eating goat, [ laughter ] a man outrunning a cheetah, [ laughter ] a guy who lost weight 15 years ago. [ laughter ] but the tearjerker of the night was the touching story of a man's love for a horse. and that's not just love in the horse's eyes. it's also gratitude that it works for budweiser and not burger king. [ laughter ] but there wa
>> jon: that's our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. former mets catcher mike piazza will be here. i don't know what we'll talk about but he'll be here. here it is your moment of zen. >> i just feel for you, allen. i've been out there a lot. i didn't realize how bad one feels being in the studio talking to someone who is shivering out on the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to see you. welcome to the show. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see it ben] [crowd chanting stephen] thank you so much. thank you so much. good to have you with us. [cheers and applause] folks, nation, everybody in this country knows america is at cyber war. if you don't know that then you obviously have never seen the movie johnny knew monic or given your am ex-number toll volume/35. where the hell are the max girth herbal settlements. you promised must satisfy in the se
and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] >> stephen: welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. [cheers and applause] folks, thank you so much. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, you know if you watch this show, if you read the news, if you know what is going on in america there's no denying that barack obama has been a failed president. [laughter] as terrible as president obama has been, his cabinet appointments have been worse. i mean, transportation secretary ray lahood? why? because his name's got a car part in it? that's a low standard. [ laughter ] what is next? secretary of the treasury penny mcnickel? now he wants the new defense secretary to be former republican senator chuck hagel. thankfully, today 15 republican senators demanded the withdrawal of hagel's nomination and it's no wonder. senate republicans have found all sorts of shady associations in hagel's past. for instance, he was once a senate republican. [laughter] and now, according to conservative news anger-gregator breitbart.com, hagel may have taken money from an organization called "friends of hamas." frie
that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen >> fox news alert on the sequester. just the word is so weird. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, a new scandal rocks the vatican. the holy water contains traces of horse meat. [ laughter ] then, a new way to reduce the number of guns. step one: get a gun. and my guest simon garfield has a new book about maps changing our view of the world. well, apple maps certainly took me to places i never imagined. southcuban president raul castrs he will retire in five years. don't believe him, coman in. this is "the colbert report". captioning sponsored by comedy central ["the colbert report" theme music playing] [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting see stephen] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody. good to have you with us. thank you. in here, out there, i want to say hello to all my friends in the studio tonight and some old friends watching from home. [cheers and applause] [laughter] folks -- if you
from our mistake and put this ugly incident behind us. next week, we rescue the guy who got stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. ugh, i bet that place was coated in semen. [laughing] make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and make sure you come see me on the tosh tour 2010, tickets now on sale. also keep up with our daily blog over at comedycentral.com/tosh.0. and enter our caption challenge. this week's winner is hmbólnk. they write... [laughing] congratulations, hmbólnk. before we go, let's play a quick game of "is it racist?" [cheers and applause] here is a recent political ad from the state of alabama. i know, the alabama thing makes it already semi-racist, but let's withhold judgment. - i'm tim james. why do our politicians make us give driver's license exams in 12 languages? this is alabama, we speak english. if you wanna live here, learn it. we're only giving that test in english if i'm governor. [audience ohs] - is it racist? uh, yeah. that's really, really racist! "this is alabama, we speak english." if you consider "hey diddy, there's a
>> jon: that's our show. join us next week at 1-67b8g here it is it is your moment zen. >> there's something sexist about removing the iron. who irons anymore. actually i[eagle caw] >> stehen: tonight, a new plan to help our students succeed in school. if you add a vertical line, you can make an f into an a! [laughter] then, a new breakthrough in social media. you'll be able to ignore your friends' vacation photos twice as fast. [laughter] and my guest, benh zeitlin, is the director of the oscar nominated "beasts of the southern wild." he's about the meet the beast of the northern tame. [laughter] a new poll says that fox news is both the most trusted and least trusted news network. see, they do report both sides of the story. [laughter] this is "the colbert report." [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] how is it going? good to see you. what have i got here. all right. hey, all right! [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting "stephen!"] [cheers and applause] all right. welcome to the report. thank you for joining us. folks, i'll be right with you. we are
when the macho man randy savage does it. oh, yeah! >> oh yeah! be sure to join us next week when we give the crying giants fan a web redemption. [inaudible] >> this is why you stop nursing your kids after six months. [laughter] before we go, a message to you gamers out there. playing the wii is not exercise. and no matter how much they drop the price, it's still not going to offset the medical bills or the electronics you destroy while playing it. [laughter] >> oh! [laughter] >> ooh! [laughter] see you next week. goodnight! [applause] [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonight, should gays and lesbians be allowed to marry? yes, but only each other. [ laughter ] then, big changes for the kkk. they're updating the sheets with a dust ruffle! [ laughter ] and my guest is billionaire philanthropist bill gates. in order to get him here, i had to hill i had malaria. [ laughter ] the truth will set you free. so convicted murderers, turn off your tvs now. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report" [cheers and applause] ["the colbert report" theme music playing] captioning sponsored by comedy central [ea
up with our blog and send us your videos. please follow me on twitter and check my tour schedule. and now the moment you have all been waiting for, some never-before-seen footage. enjoy. [soft orchestral music] did you order a code red? why did that not make air? oh. if you can guess what we were looking at, we will put you on television. hey, i'm happy to announce we've reached a milestone. we are nearing the end of episode number ten. so thank you to everyone, but mainly the executives at comedy central, because they have ordered more. [cheers and applause] yes, i know. thank you. [cheering continues] okay. so i thought we'd celebrate by taking a look back at the greatest moments from the show so far. thanks for coming out, you guys. i appreciate it. we'll see you next week. good night. good night, you guys. i'll see you next week. good night. see you guys next week. see you next week. we'll see you next week. we'll see you next week. see you next week. good night. see you next week. good night. see you next week. good night. [cheers and applause] [eagle caw] >> stephen: tonigh
] feel free to send us your best version. i don't care. all right, you guys know me as the host of tosh.0, but what you may not know is that i am the current undefeated champion of the comedy central arm wrestling league. yeah. don't believe it? what if i told you i spend hundreds of dollars on my own arm wrestling table? it's about 150 actually. still not convinced? well, here's some of my highlights, mother[bleep]. i am gonna [bleep] ruin this old man. ready? go. oh, there it is. ahh! - go. - ohh! ahh! - ready, set, wrestle. - oh! - wah! - go. - oh. what is wrong with you? - wrestle. - ah! - wrestle. - ahh! [cheering] - what? - it is the trigger. that's what they call it. unh! you're next, lincoln hawk. that's right, turn your hat around all you want. i'm taking your son and your championship. thanks for watching. make sure you follow me on twitter so we can live chat during the shows. and don't send me too many questions. flying dutchman, i'm taking to you. i'm not answering your tweets because you're a moron. now check out my tour schedule and make sure you keep up with our daily blog
Search Results 0 to 49 of about 71 (some duplicates have been removed)